There are some people the President will sit down with any time: Congressional Republicans. On Thursday, he held a seven-hour televised summit on healthcare. The only way it could’ve been more boring was if they were curling.
Now, folks, in the end, this summit gave us nothing — other than a tale to terrify generations of children:
I even had one constituent [...] This poor woman had no dentures. She wore her dead sister’s teeth. — Rep. Louise Slaughter (D–NY)
And to this day, when the wind whips around the moor, you can still hear the teeth saying, “R-r-remember to f-f-floss-s-s.”
Now, folks, with this “all-you-can-speak-nothing buffet,” I believe we missed an opportunity to end the healthcare stalemate, because, to me, this summit seemed a lot like a seven-hour marriage counseling session. And the reason there was no breakthrough is because one of the parties was not being emotionally honest. And I’m afraid in this case it was the Republicans. You see, Republicans and Democrats are like a husband and a wife. Now, clearly, the Republicans are the man, which means the Democrats are the woman — partly because they have no balls. And they’re in counseling because for the last year the Democrat wife has said she wants to have a baby, which is the healthcare bill, and the Republican husband is just saying what he thinks he ought to say. Listen to Republican Eric Cantor (R–VA, House Minority Whip):
The reality is, Republicans do care about healthcare. — on NBC’s Meet the Press, 2010-02-21
We Republicans care about healthcare, just as the Democrats in this room. — at the Presidential healthcare summit, 2010-02-25
No, you don’t! If you did, you would’ve done something about it in the twelve years you ran Congress. Don’t hide your true feelings, guys! Repeat after me: “FUCK ’EM!” [audience cheers] If those “thirty” “million” “people” want healthcare, let ’em get a better job, or join the Army, or go to Canada, or eat Flintstones® vitamins — it’s not our problem. Stop. faking. care-gasms. [audience laughs] Who knows — maybe the Democrats don’t want this baby, either. I mean, if they really cared about the uninsured, don’t you think they would’ve tried Single Payer or the Public Option? Hell — they could’ve inseminated themselves with that 60-seat supermajority. It’s like a “legislative turkey baster.” And I’m beginning to think the only one who wants this baby here is the counselor, Dr. Obama. Of course he wants it: as soon as it’s born, they’re gonna name the baby after him.
But, Republicans, I know if you admit you don’t want to be the father of this legislation, you’re afraid people will think you’re a monster. But isn’t it better for people to think you’re a monster than know you’re being dishonest?? So pull out, guys. [audience laughs]
Besides — you’re never gonna get pregnant while both of you are in bed with the insurance companies.